Church Attendance. Our daughter no longer wants to attend church or youth group. Should we force her to go?
Questions & Answers
“When our daughter was in junior high, she loved being part of the youth ministry of our church. She was active and even helped lead worship. But now she is a freshman in high school and she doesn’t feel comfortable in the high school group. She refuses to go. When I ask her ‘why?’ she says she doesn’t have any friends in the new group. She just doesn’t feel accepted. How can I get my daughter to attend youth group without forcing her to go?”
We asked parents and youth workers who subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter to provide some suggestions and advice for this parent and we got some very helpful responses. They are posted below.
I would advise the mother to go and talk to the person who is leading the youth group and try to find out if he or she would be able to build a relationship with her daughter. If she feels like she does not have friend in the group, why not become friends with the group leader or youth pastor? If the youth leader would put in some effort to befriend her, she might feel that someone cares and likes to be with her. During group meetings the youth leader would be sensitive to help her feel like she’s a part of the group without putting pressure on her. This might take some effort on the side of the youth leader, but if he/she really cares for youth it would be worth the trouble. Friendship is very important for teens, and you might encourage her to invite some of her other friends to go with her, even if it is friends from another church, or friends who do not go to church. Do not make an issue about this! It would make her become more defensive and she will just resist even more. Try to get as much information as needed regarding this matter for there might be more to it than just not fitting in or not having friends.
If it were my daughter I would tell her that God created us individually but we are all equal in his eyes. We each have a special gift to offer others and she should go confidently in the knowledge that she is there for one purpose and that's to do God's will the same reason the others are there. Confidently sharing her ideas and working as a team brings about respect from other individuals. Though it may be uncomfortable at first the more confidence she has in herself the sooner she will become comfortable in her new surroundings. I can identify with her so for me it comes down to the power of positive intentions. Knowing that I am just as special in God's eyes as they are and then looking at them through God's eyes always makes any uncomfortable situation easier.
In late middle school a girl joined our church and she was very shy and did not have any friends. I got a call from the pastor's wife asking me if I would try to include her and make her feel more welcome. It only took that one call and almost 30 years later, we are still friends. She is still attending that same church and raising her own daughter there. We were the maid-of-honor for each other and have stayed in touch, although we live many miles apart. I have never shared with my friend that I was asked to approach her by the pastor's wife. Maybe if the parents request the pastor to find some friends that are willing to be a friend and accept the girl, it will make her feel more comfortable. It's always nice to be the person asked as well, because you can feel in some small way that you are helping out. And for me, I gained a wonderful, lifetime friend.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/