Choosing Friends: What can I do help my teenager avoid bad friendship choices?
Questions & Answers
"My 13-year-old daughter hangs around with a negative group of kids her age. A couple of boys do drugs. Her girl friends get in trouble in school. How can I help her avoid these type of friends?"
The issue of friends is a tough one because parents really can't choose their teen's friends for them. When your daughter was little, you could provide her with playmates. But now she needs friends, not playmates, and she will most definitely choose them herself.
With a 13-year-old, the first thing I would suggest is to be very clear with your daughter regarding the rules you have. You can't choose her friends, but you can put reasonable limits on her friendship choices. For example: "You are absolutely not allowed to hang out with people who use drugs, drink alcohol, or have a police record." If you know for a fact that certain boys are using drugs, then it's not only your right but your responsibility to disallow your daughter from hanging out with them.
A word to the wise here: As teens get older, rules like these should become less necessary. It's generally best to avoid interfering with your teenager's choice of friends. Here's why:
- Teenagers can benefit from even the most ill-advised friendships. Sometimes the only way to learn how to choose good friends is to have a few bad ones along the way.
- When parents try to micro-manage their teenagers' lives, they rarely do better. Instead, they do worse. Picking your kid's friends is micro-managing at its worst.
- It's virtually impossible to force a teenager to have the friends you want them to have. When you try to force friendships on a teenager, the result is almost always rebellion.
- The only time you should interfere with a teenager's choice of friends is when there is a need to protect them from serious and imminent harm.
There is an old proverb that says "Birds of a feather flock together." This is true for teenagers as well. Most teens choose friends who they identify with in some way. They tend to gravitate towards other teens who they perceive are most like themselves.
In light of this, I would suggest that you avoid being overly critical and negative towards your daughter. Teens who have low self-esteem generally gravitate towards friends who also have low self-esteem and no self-respect. The more you are able to give your daughter a high view of herself, the less likely she will be to choose friends who will drag her down. Try to be positive and encouraging towards her. If you express faith in her ability to make good choices, she'll be more likely to make them.
On the other hand, if you are certain that your daughter has chosen friends who are using drugs or engaging in other behaviors that are harmful, this could be an indicator that your daughter is also involved. Don't be the last to find out. Investigate and monitor her behavior closely. Be on the lookout for drug paraphernalia or changes in her attitude and speech. Talk with her about drugs and make sure she is in agreement that they should be avoided at all costs. If you suspect that there is a problem, don't hesitate to get help from a professional counselor or youth worker.
You may need to change her environment. I encourage parents to do whatever they can to make sure their kids have every opportunity to choose good friends. If you are able, make sure your daughter is in a good school that has strong adult leadership and high standards for behavior. Get her involved in a church youth group or Christian organization that gives her a greater chance of finding friends who share your family's values and beliefs. You can't choose her friends, but sometimes you can surround her with people who might become her friends.
Remember that it's normal for parents to worry about their teenagers' friends. Sometimes the worry is justified, quite often it's not. Most of us had some questionable friends when we were kids and we survived ... chances are good that your daughter will too. If she is doing well at school, has strong moral and spiritual values, and is not engaging in any bad behaviors that you know of, don't assume the worst. It's almost impossible to protect our children from every kind of negative influence. Just because she has a few friends who are in trouble doesn't necessarily mean that she is also in trouble. But stay vigilant and involved. Talk with her about friends and share from your own experience. If you stay connected with your daughter and teach her right from wrong, there's a high probability that she will develop the strength of character to resist negative peer pressure.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/