Grown Children: What kind of relationship is reasonable with adult children still living at home?
Questions & Answers
"We have a 20-year old living at home and we are having a great deal of conflict with him. We know that we can't treat him like a child anymore, but we have rules that we expect him to obey as long as he is still living in our house. His younger brothers and sisters don't understand why he gets to do things they are not allowed to do. Are we wrong to demand that he respect our rules?"
No you are not. After all, it's your house and as long as your son lives at home, he needs to realize that there are going to be house rules that you have determined are important and must be enforced. These rules may include such issues as acceptable behavior in the house (e.g., no smoking, no alcohol, no loud music, etc.), finances (who pays for what), responsibilities (chores) and so on. This is something anyone would expect if they were living in someone else's house. Once he has a place of his own, he can make up his own set of house rules.
You can't really control him at the age of 20, however. This is the final or what we call the "caring" stage of parenting, which takes you completely out of the loop of control. Do you care what happens to your son? Of course you do, but it's all up to him. You have to allow your son to take responsibility for his own life. You can't make demands on him beyond those that directly impact you or others in your family.
You can still set limits for your other teenagers which are appropriate for their age and individual needs. These are not negated by your older son's non-compliance to them. It's helpful for kids to see that as they get older, their freedom increases. When they are 20, they too will be able to make their own decisions regarding such things as curfew, church attendance, how they spend money and the like. In fact, sometimes younger kids can learn a lot from the dumb mistakes of their older siblings and avoid repeating them.
If your 20-year-old is living at home and depending on you for support, then it's not unreasonable to expect certain things from him in return. If you are paying tuition for college, then he must maintain his grades. If you are providing room and board, then he should either pay rent or help with household chores. Rules like these have nothing to do with your being a parent. They have more to do with your natural need to not let anyone take advantage of you or your generosity.
It's not easy to let go or to allow your kids to do things you don't approve of, but at some point kids need to learn the hard way that they are in control of their own lives. If they are still living in your house, the rules that you have in place can help them on this journey, along with reasonable and respectful consequences when they choose not to abide by them.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/